Friday, January 10, 2014

Baby Two Blues- Am I the worst mom ever?


Baby #2 is coming and I am not ready. I feel awful that I am not-- guilty really.

10 days until her due date and we have done the small things. Hospital bag is packed, coming home outfit chosen, name picked (we even had it embroidered on her coming home/hospital outfit).

However, other than purchasing a double stroller, no other major changes have been made. The furniture isn’t assembled, the painting hasn’t been done…

But that is not the part I am talking about. I am not ready because I am not ready for my baby to not be “the” baby anymore. Is that terrible?

I have heard of second baby guilt and have seen lots of blogs about how moms feel bad for not being able to do as much for their second child because they have to split their attention (i.e. not taking as many pictures or documenting as much for baby number 2). I am sure that guilt will come, too, but right now, it is all about my first baby.

She is only 19 months old and I feel like she hasn’t been the baby long enough. She is the center of attention and the center of my world but I suddenly remember every time she wanted me to sit on the floor and play but I didn’t or every time I yelled at her for not listening. I second guess everything- could I have spent my mommy and Emme time better? 



As we get closer, I hold her tighter and more often (even though my little girl would already rather run free), but I am running out of time. We are about to rock her little world by bringing a baby sister into it. How is she going to feel? Is she going to know that we still love her just as much as before? Is she going to be sad when I can’t hold her because her sister can’t hold herself? Is she going to know that she will always be my baby, even if she isn’t the only baby? Is she going to understand why we have less attention to give? Did she get enough time to be the littlest one?  Is she ready to be the big sister?

Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t that I don’t want Baby #2 (we aren’t telling her name until she is born) or that I don’t love her because I do. Very much. I am just not ready, today.