Baby #2 is coming and I am not ready. I feel awful that I am not--
guilty really.
10 days until her due date and we have done the small
things. Hospital bag is packed, coming home outfit chosen, name picked (we even
had it embroidered on her coming home/hospital outfit).
However, other than purchasing a double stroller, no other
major changes have been made. The furniture isn’t assembled, the painting
hasn’t been done…
But that is not the part I am talking about. I am not ready
because I am not ready for my baby to not be “the” baby anymore. Is that
terrible?
I have heard of second baby guilt and have seen lots of
blogs about how moms feel bad for not being able to do as much for their second
child because they have to split their attention (i.e. not taking as many
pictures or documenting as much for baby number 2). I am sure that guilt will
come, too, but right now, it is all about my first baby.
She is only 19 months old and I feel like she hasn’t been
the baby long enough. She is the center of attention and the center of my world
but I suddenly remember every time she wanted me to sit on the floor and play
but I didn’t or every time I yelled at her for not listening. I second guess
everything- could I have spent my mommy and Emme time better?
As we get closer, I hold her tighter and more often (even
though my little girl would already rather run free), but I am running out of
time. We are about to rock her little world by bringing a baby sister into it.
How is she going to feel? Is she going to know that we still love her just as
much as before? Is she going to be sad when I can’t hold her because her sister
can’t hold herself? Is she going to know that she will always be my baby, even
if she isn’t the only baby? Is she going to understand why we have less
attention to give? Did she get enough time to be the littlest one? Is she ready to be the big sister?
Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t that I don’t want Baby #2 (we
aren’t telling her name until she is born) or that I don’t love her because I
do. Very much. I am just not ready, today.
